Negativity

Lets blog!

What happens when a person enters happiness? Answer is pretty simple. He/she becomes happy. Might feel that this answer is kind of simple to the extent of "lame" But why is it not the same for me?

Whenever I'm about to enter happiness, I will think fo what will my status be if this happiness would leave me.

Will I be worse than before?

What are the possibilities that happiness will leave me?

What are the factors that might cause this happiness to leave me and if I'm in control over these factors.

Of course there are still multiple questions that runs through my microprocessor in my head. After which, I will come to the most practical decision of maintaining status quo. If my life is in normacy now, why risk it? So what happiness? It might not be worth the risk.

Yes yes yes. People say you live once and live your life to the best. Aint this some saying or taken from some books or "dare to dream" kind of movie tagline or script. Be real and wake up. Life is not like that. I'm negative and worse than before.

I always thought that I can forgive but not forget. Now I realise that I can't do both. So many years of fustrations and anger had been bottled up in me. This cause me to see the world and people in such negative light. I savour every chance and opportunity to put down someone who once crossed my path in the same way which they treated me and many times worse.

By doing this, I gain that pleasure and "happiness" which no money can buy. At that moment, you think of what had happend years before and you tell yourself. Its my time now, my turn. This is an extremely bad indication that I'm losing it. How can on find pleasure from puting others down.

A good news is that I realise that I have the semi split personality. I can be the angel to the world at one time but once I'm triggered, please stay away from me. I'm able to pick out every negative aspect of any good thing that is around me. I'm critical of everything and almost sweeping everything away with my thoughts.

I'm glad this is not the real me but juz another side of me. A side which comes out now & then to instill fear and hurt on others who owed me. On the other hand, when I'm myself, I'm just so nice to everyone around me.

I'm scared of myself in fact. The switching of personality recently had been becoming more and more frequent and the thoughts and words I use are getting worse. Its not good. I sincerely need to let out everything once and for all. All the years of fustrations, anger, sadness and bitterness. Its too much for me to keep it in any longer. I really need to let it out. Perhaps I had reach my limit and its starting to drain me.

I can feel that I had lost alot of drive for things I used to enjoy. Perhaps all my energy had been channelled to surpress all my emotions. I need to let them out if I am to live a life. I don't know how. I'm still searching for an answer which many don't have nor myself.

I'm still searching...

Quote: "One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. Which road do I take? she asked. Where do you want to go? was his response. I don't know, Alice answered. Then, said the cat, it doesn't matter." ~ Lewis Carroll

~Nothing is impossible, the impossible just takes longer~
JasunZ, Without Wax

Facets of Life

Blogging it...

Time flies once again... Soon January 2008 will be gone. Life been really normal recently so much that I felt it had slowed down although time still past me day after day like a marathon runner that never stops even to catch a breath.

When I have more time now, I do stop to ponder... about my Life. About the things I had achieved so far and what could have been. I realise that I have constantly tortured myself and poison my own mind. I should change not for the worse but better.

I need to find the motivation in Life. I do not have one. I used to have a few of them but after I achieved them, I just lost it. Its hard to find a new meaningful motivation to start me sprinting towards the goal; the light at the end of the tunnel. But to look at it in another way, the light might be an oncoming train.

Perhaps contentment should be one word to consider. Its not easy for me to be contented. I always admire my friends who can live Life in a simple and contented way. They have so much less problems and are happy at many a times.

When was the last time I was really happy? Perhaps I can use the help of some photos taken many years back. Happiness to be is not juz laughing. Laughing is juz momentary pleasure to relax the brain. Of course I need that and I do that but that to me is not happiness. Ain't I hard to please? See... contentment isn't going to be easy for me.

Conclusion is that I need a new goal in life. I need changes. I need to have it fast or I will just suffer everyday, like a walking dead. No direction, no energy, no will. I cannot go on like this.

I NEED A CHANGE!

If not now, then when?

Quote: "The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs... one step at a time."~ Joe Girard

~Nothing is impossible, the impossible just takes longer~

JasunZ, Without Wax

Me

It still hurts

J 2008

Lets blog at the start of the year...

In the blink of an eye, 2007 is gone and never to return again. Before I start all the talk of J 2008, lets re-cap on 2007.

In my personal opinion, 2007 haven't been a great year for me at all. Only a few milestone for me.

1) Change job from OCBC to Elsevier
2) Completed my part-time Bachelor Degree
3) Went to Beijing for working trip.

That's all that I can recall of 2007. That's quite sad huh. In wake of this, I had decided to come out with more serious and measurable resolutions for 2008.

Project J 2008

I had decided on 12 resolutions which is for the 12 months of 2008. The resolutions are segemented into 2 different groups with 2 points and 1 points based on the level of importance and difficulty. Here they are...

(Two Points Each)
1) Read Bible & Pray Everyday
Its not going to be easy but I will try....

2) Keep Fit
Hey hey. I feel its time for me to do it. Had been pushing it off since I left Army. Time to stay healthy. Not getting any younger. Hahaha.

3) Go for Lasik Surgery
Ever since this technology came out, I'm sure there are enough white mice for those to test on. Hence should be kind of stable. Been on my wishlist for quite sometime. Perhaps now it should be my to-do list.

4) Stop Bad Habit 1
Arggh... I try....

5) Stop Bad Habit 2
Mmmm... not too sure as well. But gotta try....

6) Learn Cantonese
Always wanted to learn this dialect as I feel its really nice on the ears and less to say the songs. Will not be easy....

(One Point Each)
7) Read 10 self-improvement books
At a certain point of your life, you will feel the need to improve on your personal life and I feel that now is the time to do so. I'm already started on Book Number 1.

8) Get Golf Handicap
Had tried to self-teach myself by learning the techniques from goggle-search. But guess you still need a proper coach to teach you the right stuff. Will be going lessons with my friends.

9) Do one regular sport per week
I actually really love sports and outdoor stuff. So I hope I'm able to fufill this.

10) Save $XXXX in savings account
Not saying the amount. But its never early to start saving for retirement. Hahaha.

11) Catch up with 10 old friends
During Christmas, I received 6 unknown sms-es which were actually from my old friends. So I felt its time to catch up a bit.

12) Stay in my current job
To some, this might be easy but from my past history, I had never stayed in a job for more than 1 year. Hence, something for me to achieve as well.

To summarise, apart from the above 12 resolutions, there are a further 3 bonus resolutions which are not listed. There are a total of 18 points to be achieved. I hope that at the end of 2008, I can re-look this list and find that I had achieved at least 9 points. Passing mark. Haha.

So thats about all. Tomorrow will be the first day of the New work year and a loooonnnnng 2008 lies ahead. I don't know what to expect. 2008 hasn't realli started well for me but heck it, I will make it end well and thats all that matters.

The quote below is very inspiring for me. A good way to start 2008.

Quote: "It's enough for you to do it once for a few men to remember you. But if you do it year after year, then many people remember you and they tell it to their children, and their children and grandchildren. And if it's good enough, it will last as long as there are human beings." ~ Ernest Hemingway

~Nothing is impossible, the impossible just takes longer~
JasunZ, Without Wax