Negativity
Lets blog!
What happens when a person enters happiness? Answer is pretty simple. He/she becomes happy. Might feel that this answer is kind of simple to the extent of "lame" But why is it not the same for me?
Whenever I'm about to enter happiness, I will think fo what will my status be if this happiness would leave me.
Will I be worse than before?
What are the possibilities that happiness will leave me?
What are the factors that might cause this happiness to leave me and if I'm in control over these factors.
Of course there are still multiple questions that runs through my microprocessor in my head. After which, I will come to the most practical decision of maintaining status quo. If my life is in normacy now, why risk it? So what happiness? It might not be worth the risk.
Yes yes yes. People say you live once and live your life to the best. Aint this some saying or taken from some books or "dare to dream" kind of movie tagline or script. Be real and wake up. Life is not like that. I'm negative and worse than before.
I always thought that I can forgive but not forget. Now I realise that I can't do both. So many years of fustrations and anger had been bottled up in me. This cause me to see the world and people in such negative light. I savour every chance and opportunity to put down someone who once crossed my path in the same way which they treated me and many times worse.
By doing this, I gain that pleasure and "happiness" which no money can buy. At that moment, you think of what had happend years before and you tell yourself. Its my time now, my turn. This is an extremely bad indication that I'm losing it. How can on find pleasure from puting others down.
A good news is that I realise that I have the semi split personality. I can be the angel to the world at one time but once I'm triggered, please stay away from me. I'm able to pick out every negative aspect of any good thing that is around me. I'm critical of everything and almost sweeping everything away with my thoughts.
I'm glad this is not the real me but juz another side of me. A side which comes out now & then to instill fear and hurt on others who owed me. On the other hand, when I'm myself, I'm just so nice to everyone around me.
I'm scared of myself in fact. The switching of personality recently had been becoming more and more frequent and the thoughts and words I use are getting worse. Its not good. I sincerely need to let out everything once and for all. All the years of fustrations, anger, sadness and bitterness. Its too much for me to keep it in any longer. I really need to let it out. Perhaps I had reach my limit and its starting to drain me.
I can feel that I had lost alot of drive for things I used to enjoy. Perhaps all my energy had been channelled to surpress all my emotions. I need to let them out if I am to live a life. I don't know how. I'm still searching for an answer which many don't have nor myself.
Quote: "One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. Which road do I take? she asked. Where do you want to go? was his response. I don't know, Alice answered. Then, said the cat, it doesn't matter." ~ Lewis Carroll
~Nothing is impossible, the impossible just takes longer~
JasunZ, Without Wax
What happens when a person enters happiness? Answer is pretty simple. He/she becomes happy. Might feel that this answer is kind of simple to the extent of "lame" But why is it not the same for me?
Whenever I'm about to enter happiness, I will think fo what will my status be if this happiness would leave me.
Will I be worse than before?
What are the possibilities that happiness will leave me?
What are the factors that might cause this happiness to leave me and if I'm in control over these factors.
Of course there are still multiple questions that runs through my microprocessor in my head. After which, I will come to the most practical decision of maintaining status quo. If my life is in normacy now, why risk it? So what happiness? It might not be worth the risk.
Yes yes yes. People say you live once and live your life to the best. Aint this some saying or taken from some books or "dare to dream" kind of movie tagline or script. Be real and wake up. Life is not like that. I'm negative and worse than before.
I always thought that I can forgive but not forget. Now I realise that I can't do both. So many years of fustrations and anger had been bottled up in me. This cause me to see the world and people in such negative light. I savour every chance and opportunity to put down someone who once crossed my path in the same way which they treated me and many times worse.
By doing this, I gain that pleasure and "happiness" which no money can buy. At that moment, you think of what had happend years before and you tell yourself. Its my time now, my turn. This is an extremely bad indication that I'm losing it. How can on find pleasure from puting others down.
A good news is that I realise that I have the semi split personality. I can be the angel to the world at one time but once I'm triggered, please stay away from me. I'm able to pick out every negative aspect of any good thing that is around me. I'm critical of everything and almost sweeping everything away with my thoughts.
I'm glad this is not the real me but juz another side of me. A side which comes out now & then to instill fear and hurt on others who owed me. On the other hand, when I'm myself, I'm just so nice to everyone around me.
I'm scared of myself in fact. The switching of personality recently had been becoming more and more frequent and the thoughts and words I use are getting worse. Its not good. I sincerely need to let out everything once and for all. All the years of fustrations, anger, sadness and bitterness. Its too much for me to keep it in any longer. I really need to let it out. Perhaps I had reach my limit and its starting to drain me.
I can feel that I had lost alot of drive for things I used to enjoy. Perhaps all my energy had been channelled to surpress all my emotions. I need to let them out if I am to live a life. I don't know how. I'm still searching for an answer which many don't have nor myself.
I'm still searching...
Quote: "One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. Which road do I take? she asked. Where do you want to go? was his response. I don't know, Alice answered. Then, said the cat, it doesn't matter." ~ Lewis Carroll
~Nothing is impossible, the impossible just takes longer~
JasunZ, Without Wax
posted by Without Wax at 2:00 PM
1 Comments:
Oh J... You're really a sweet guy when you're in one of your pleasant moods.
Well, i think it all starts with a self-awareness and a conscious will to change.
I believe you can do it.
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