My Past is what you see in the Present ME!!!
June 14, 2005....
This is the day when I admit defeat to my past. Where I lose to the huanting of my childhood and all the years of negative thinkings. The hatred for life had been building up in me everyday and it's starting to show now. I had tried to surpress it for a long long time but guess it won't be long before it develops completely. I had been saidto be a nice guy, good son etc all these years by those who knows me but I knew it all the while that those comments where nothing but a pack of lies in my own eyes. I'm the only person who knows my real self and no one else does except God Himself. I feel sorry for myself. Indeed, I feel sorry that someone who can speak and change others for the better, can't even save himself now.... or rather he's too tired to try already. His motto: "Nothing is impossible, the impossible just takes longer" was something that kept him going for a while. Now that things had came to this stage, it's too late. My mind is in a state of mental unstablilty and turmoil. I can no longer control my own feelings and thought. I had closed myself to the world around me and developed a layer of self-protection in order not to allow anyone to hurt me again. I hurt deeply all these years. Now, I can no longer move on without changing my mentality towards life. My mind was the only engine that kept me going all these years. I lived not due to my heart but my mind. I have to change my thinking towards life so that it can continue to keep me goin. Coz' I totally disappointed in life, I can't see anything except further pain and anguish that awaits me to punish me for crimes I did not commit. It's a torture. I won't be able to go through it alone and there is no one else there for me.
I had been thinking about writting this entry for a long long time but held myself back. Coz' once it's written, it shall be done. I'm sorry to disappoint all those around me who actually cared about me before. But all of you didn't know the real me. My darkess secrets and my sad past. I hate my past. I still shudder whenever I recall them. The new me will be what my past had made me. It's been a long time since the past and present me met and now that I'm goin to unleash the past, the present me will be gone. I'm feel sorry towards my good and close friends for they be-friended someone which was not real. I wasn't lying, I just tried to be a better person and live a better life. But alas, my past had caught up with me and I can no longer be the same self that people knew.
Quote: "Accept Life the way it is, do not try to change it, the harder you try, the harder you will fall. Accept fate, Life is unfair" -- JasunZ, Without Wax
~My Past Is What You See In The Present Me~
JasunZ, Without Wax
This is the day when I admit defeat to my past. Where I lose to the huanting of my childhood and all the years of negative thinkings. The hatred for life had been building up in me everyday and it's starting to show now. I had tried to surpress it for a long long time but guess it won't be long before it develops completely. I had been saidto be a nice guy, good son etc all these years by those who knows me but I knew it all the while that those comments where nothing but a pack of lies in my own eyes. I'm the only person who knows my real self and no one else does except God Himself. I feel sorry for myself. Indeed, I feel sorry that someone who can speak and change others for the better, can't even save himself now.... or rather he's too tired to try already. His motto: "Nothing is impossible, the impossible just takes longer" was something that kept him going for a while. Now that things had came to this stage, it's too late. My mind is in a state of mental unstablilty and turmoil. I can no longer control my own feelings and thought. I had closed myself to the world around me and developed a layer of self-protection in order not to allow anyone to hurt me again. I hurt deeply all these years. Now, I can no longer move on without changing my mentality towards life. My mind was the only engine that kept me going all these years. I lived not due to my heart but my mind. I have to change my thinking towards life so that it can continue to keep me goin. Coz' I totally disappointed in life, I can't see anything except further pain and anguish that awaits me to punish me for crimes I did not commit. It's a torture. I won't be able to go through it alone and there is no one else there for me.
I had been thinking about writting this entry for a long long time but held myself back. Coz' once it's written, it shall be done. I'm sorry to disappoint all those around me who actually cared about me before. But all of you didn't know the real me. My darkess secrets and my sad past. I hate my past. I still shudder whenever I recall them. The new me will be what my past had made me. It's been a long time since the past and present me met and now that I'm goin to unleash the past, the present me will be gone. I'm feel sorry towards my good and close friends for they be-friended someone which was not real. I wasn't lying, I just tried to be a better person and live a better life. But alas, my past had caught up with me and I can no longer be the same self that people knew.
Quote: "Accept Life the way it is, do not try to change it, the harder you try, the harder you will fall. Accept fate, Life is unfair" -- JasunZ, Without Wax
~My Past Is What You See In The Present Me~
JasunZ, Without Wax
posted by Without Wax at 11:59 PM
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