Awakening

*This is my current world. It's dark gloomy and the light seems ever so far away and it's getting dimmer day after day.....

Just came back from the airport. Went there to walk around and try get some new thoughts. I always had this "fetish" for airport. It's such a interesting place. Be it for pple goin there to meet or send pple or for those goin off in the plane or arriving. There's 2 different kind of feelings in the air at the airport and it's so amazing to take a walk there and soak it all up.

At the arrival hall, you can see the relief faces of those pple coming back and when their loved ones see them, they are full of smiles and happiness. For those tourists coming, some for their holidays, others for their work. They oso have their own set of feelings.

Departure hall is a sortof more gloomy place. It's a place where I myself had quite a few memories. It's always sad to send your loved ones off and knowing that they are goin some where far yet not knowing if you will see them again. The kind of sad feelings are even worse. I was at the airport on Christmas last year to send someone off. While walking around, I saw pple sleeping at the benches, couples walking slowly. The emptiness of the terminal together with the soft carols in the background struck a spot in me. I hated that feelings. But then, at the departure hall, is also the place where you can see families happily goin off for holidays etc...

Been through much thinking today. Today is 20th June 2005. It's the third time in 9 years. I will remember this day. I allowed myself to be pushed down and I have onli myself to blame and no one else.... it's just like this song....

"I tried so hard and got so far.... and in the end... it doesn't even matters.... i had to fall to lose it all.... and in the end, it doesn't even matters...."

This song describes my feelings now. I used to motive those around me and myself using this quote which I put on my blog everyday. I thought this was the perfect quote. I'm wrong. This quote can either bring a person up to a higher level or throw him down to the deepest hell. I'm the latter case. I had believed too much in this quote that I gave my all, plan my life, open myself and in the end, now I'm thrown away. I lost direction in life... I'm like a ship without a rudder.... I lost my strength of focus.... my confidence.... my goals that I planned..... and the worst is, I'm losing hope..... I dun wan to lose hope..... if that ever happens, I will never be able to climb up again. Onli one person knows wat I'm talking about now. But I do not blame that person. I made this quote my religion and lived by it. But now that I had overdone it, I have only myself to blame. I came to realise now that many things in life can be achieved through hardwork and perssistence.... but actually somethings that are realli impossible, will stay that way no matter how hard you try.... Isn't 9 years long enough???? I dun understand.... I hate to use this, but I FUCKING dont undrstand.... Now, I'm lost.... I'm losing myself.... I live no longer for weekends to go out together.... or weekdays to call or sms..... it's enough... it's clear.... don't be stupid Jason..... somethings aren't meant to be no matter how hard you try... u had finally been given the slap in the face.... and proven wrong... veri wrong... all ur beliefs and shattered and so is your life... you are now no different as the person 9 years ago... the confidence that you built up over the years are now gone in a flash, in a few keys on the key boards and a click of a mouse..... it's over.....

I shall now live my day, day after day and see what God and life has in store for me.... Life is such an amazing thing. Something that you want alot might not come to you no matter how hard you try but one fine day when you least expect it, it just appears.... Perhaps this is just a fool's hope... but I rather be a fool than to not have any hope at all.... I'm tired....sick and the anger which was once control by love is now emerging again... and nothing can stop it.... It has begun...

Enough... I'm tired... I shall wake up tomolo a new person... I muz protect myself.... I must...

Quote: : "Live your life well and be happy, that's all I ask of you" -- JasunZ

~Nothing is impossible, the impossible just takes longer~
JasunZ, Without Wax